Today I got hazed. The guys at Delta Iota Kappa said it was just a formality, because of my street cred. It turned out I wasn't the only pledge. The house had an opening for the rôle of creepy old guy who should have been done with college life years ago.
Anyway, they had me and Arthur each sit at a table in the kitchen coating a banana, skin and all, with peanut butter. They took away Arthur and his banana first. About 15 minutes later they came for me--I noticed Arthur in the hallway with his shirtsleeves all wet. They took me to the bathroom.
"Put your banana in the toilet," Chad said--he's the president of the ΔΙΚ house.
So, I did what he asked.
"Now, take it out and peel it and eat it," he said. About a dozen other frat guys were standing around and laughing.
"No," I said.
"Do you want to join our frat or not?" Chad said.
"I don't care," I said.
"O.K., you're in," said Chad. "You passed the hazing. If you ate that banana, we definitely wouldn't have let you in."
So, I'm a member in good standing of a fraternity!
"What about Arthur?" I said.
"He won't be joining us," said one of the frat brothers.
As I walked down the hall to the TV room they filled me in a bit more.
"Actually whether eating the banana or not is passing the test is determined at random by tossing a coin. This way, if anyone finds out about our hazing tactics, they won't know how to ace the test."
I looked behind me down the hallway and I noticed a large football-player-looking guy getting peanut butter all over his hands as he peeled and ate my banana.
"Don't pay any atttention to him," Chad said. "Can you help us carry these two couches out into the street?"
"You're throwing them away? They look new."
"Don't ask," said Chad.
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