The coward bastard bomber

When I heard early this morning about the bomb attack on the military recruitment station in Times Square, I immediately thought of two previous similar attacks. (The police aren’t explicitly making that connection, however.)

Not to be a conspiracy theorist, but I believe these attacks are all the work of the same man: The Coward Bastard Bomber. Why did I even remember these attacks in October and May of 2005? Because they were weirdly petty. Early one morning in May of 2005 a “novelty bomb,” as the police are calling them, exploded near the British consulate. In October of 2005 there was another, near the Mexican consulate, shattering windows. We remember, Coward Bastard, wherever you are, we remember.

Mayor Bloomberg went to Times Square today and spoke about the situation, calling the bomber a coward: "Whoever the coward was that committed this disgraceful act on our city will be found and prosecuted to the full extent of the law," Bloomberg said. Mayor Bloomberg forgot to add “bastard”--well, he didn’t forget, it’s just that the Mayor tends not to say “bastard” in front of TV cameras and on the radio. For one thing, it’s undignified, even if it’s true. I, however, have no reservations about saying "Whoever the coward bastard was that committed this disgraceful act, he is a coward and a bastard.”

What is the Coward Bastard Bomber against? Mexicans? The British? Windows? Small buildings? He did break a couple of windows at 3:45 this morning, although apparently the “Uncle Sam Wants You” poster behind the window was unscathed. Clearly this attack is more bastardly than dastardly. The U.S. military just spent $60,000,000 to practice shooting down a satellite (they succeeded); so, you know an ammunition container filled with gunpowder (or pineapple or apple, as in the earlier incidents) could no doubt bring the Pentagon to its knees. I have news for you, Coward Bastard Bomber.

Yes, somebody could have got hurt, most likely the Coward Bastard Bomber himself, which is a typical fate for cowards and bastards who make bombs and carry them around on bicycles.

I don’t know whether these attacks qualify as felonies, but I suspect they do. And I can’t remember whether all that fuss about the three-strikes-and-you’re-out law finally resulted in New York having that law, the one where if you're convicted of committing three felonies you can never get out of prison. I hope we have that law, and I envision this conversation:

“What’re youse in for?” [This is New York, of course.]
“Bombings!”
“Say . . . Aren’t you the Coward Bastard Bomber?”
“I . . . uh . . . don’ think of myself that way.”
“You put gunpowder into a plastic pineapple and broke windows at 3 a.m.”
“Yeah.”
“So you’re in the pen for the duration? Wow, I have actually met the Coward Bastard Bomber.”