Lie #36 - Alice Dee

LSD is dangerous! Do you hear me! This guy took it, and he DIED! Need I say more?

Lie #34 - for godssakes, people . . .

. . . don't miss out on your chance to get this t-shirt!

Lie #30 - i'll be the judge of that

Jack Cafferty couldn't possibly have insulted 1,300,000,000 Chinese people. Yes, he told the truth and, apparently, the lawsuit is not disputing his statement that the United States imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food." Cafferty went on to opine that "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years."

Anyway, how could 1,300,000,000 Chinese people claim to be insulted when none of them have seen Jack Cafferty or, for that matter, any independent press?

Lie #19 - Mr. Popular

I have now succeeded in installing a statistical counter on this blog. I sort of wish I didn’t. Here’s what I have found out. First of all, my theory that only six people read this blog is correct. Unfortunately, my theory that those six people are my friends is wrong. I don’t know where my so-called friends are these days. Most (i.e. five) of my readers are outside the United States.

Far and away, the most popular page (drum roll here, please, John Densmore) is this one. C’mon, people. What is wrong with you?! Then again, I speak as someone who visited Jim Morrison’s grave twice last year, once in springtime and once in fall. O.K., if I could have, I would have visited four times--there are four seasons, after all, and why wouldn’t people visit Paris four times a year? Well, lack of money, for one thing. Please send me money via PayPal and I will visit Paris on your behalf. If you make this possible for me, I will be able to describe the great food they have, that wonderful Off Off Off Off Broadway theatre they have, the museums, I will visit Jim Morrison’s grave and give him your regards, and if worse comes to worse, I will sit a cafés all over the city, restricting myself parsimoniously to a pain au chocolat and café crème while I brush up my French, and hang out with glamorous people.

Of course there has been a lot on my mind lately. Finally there’s an easy way to follow the DASH diet, it’s called the cookie diet. That cookie diet sounded so great, but have you tried those cookies? They’re made of bran and sardines. You can imagine how scrumptious it was sneaking pinches of that cookie dough into my mouth and licking my fingers, but once those cookies are baked, they’re not that great.

I don’t know about you, but I have been following the CMT Awards and the CMA Awards. I have just tried the new Child Perfume. It’s great, not at all like the unchanged diaper scent I expected. Herschel Walker has been helping me with my tax extension form. And Rob Lowe’s nanny has been helping me find the IRS address. On a sad note, Hazel Court has passed away--but not before bringing a Form 4868 to me and Herschel Walker as we sat with our pain au chocolat and café crème at a sidewalk table at a café on the Upper East Side puzzling over that darn tax extension form. But I will say this, man is Herschel Walker smart. Smarter than me, certainly. I just feel bad that Hazel Court looked perfectly healthy this morning. Herschel and I were shocked when we heard the news. Anyway, thanks to her, I got my IRS extension done. Now, if only I could find that Internal Revenue Service address. I went on the Web and all I’ve found so far is Nutella’s address.

Lie #18 - cool out

Today I solved the Mideast Crisis. Now, now, stop it. It's not what your thinking. Why anyone gets turned on by the Mideast Crisis I have no idea. Such people are aberrant at best. I mean, you could get turned on by sheet rubber, if you know what I mean; or this Marilyn Monroe video, which you can see at the following link. Siobhan Bonnouvrier is hot, if only for her name, never mind what she did with that cougar in Chicago with Todd McShay after ther ACL Festival, on tax day no less--in the back of the Pope mobile. But I digress.

My point is that having discovered a magic phrase. (No, is it not “ponder the monder” or “ponder the maunder,” and it has nothing to do with Maundy money.) Anyway, I went to the Mideast, and you should have seen the place. I mean, rockets and bombs and bullets flying around. I shouted, "Yo! PEOPLE! Cool it." And they did.

So, mission accomplished, I came back to the Unites States and had brunch on the Upper East Side, like I always do. You know where to find me, Nobel Committee, and if you have mislaid my address, you can always call the people at the Able Prize or Norwegian Pickled Herring Institute.

Lie #17 - yo!

It was Friday night and it had been a full day since we'd had a party at our frat house. (I just haven't had time to report them all here, although I'd have to say that if you've been to one frat house party, you've been to them all.)

At Chad's suggestion I brought a case of rum again, which was much appreciated. I had to make a second trip to get a keg. Somehow I seem to be the only person bringing drinks for everyone. And still no girl for me. There actually is a sorority with my equivalent; however, the equivalent of a creepy old guy who should have left college life behind years ago is not a creepy old gal etc. (which would have been an improvement over my dates lately)--it's a crotchety eccentric bizarre old lady who shows up in clothes that smell like mothballs and slips an entire paper plate of nachos into her tremendously large old-lady purse, buttonholes any spare person (O.K., just me), and rails against gentrification for 25 minutes with her nacho and halitosis breath, and mercifully leaves because she doesn't want to miss a rerun of "Petticoat Junction."

My philosophical conclusion? Even though I don't have halitosis or wear a sweater in serious need of de-balling (and she could shave her upper lip while she's at it), the way she appears to me is the way I appear to the sorority girls.

I guess the reason why a particular frat party is like no other falls to which combination of misdemenors (or worse) are committed and what gets destroyed.

This party started to get out of hand by about 2:45 (a.m.). Four guys quite spontaneously insisted on demonstrating wrestling moves and a chair overturned, knocking over a lamp, which shattered, prompting someone to throw the empty keg through the window. People were shouting and laughing. And then I shouted, "Yo! PEOPLE! Cool it."

And they did! I should add that I am not a yo-sayer. In fact, that was the first time I said "yo" in my whole life. But everyone calmed down, righted the furniture, took out their wallets to pay for the damage, and at a decent hour the guests went home.

Lie #16 - Lola

I, um, made out with a Julianne Moore-lookalike drag queen. And our second date had started out so well, until-- Don't tell anyone this happened. Sometimes you can't go back in time and undo history. I'll just try to focus on the positive side of this experience.

Lie #15 - more hopelessness

This is the worst news story in Africa.*

*Go ahead, call me a liar.

Lie #14 - the ladies man

I felt pretty dejected after last night's party at the ΔΙΚ House. I went to a bar tonight to cheer myself up with alcohol, and you'll never guess what ended up happening: I made out with Julianne Moore.

I know what you're thinking, she's married and has kids and what would she be doing hanging out in a dank bar on a Tuesday night? But, hey, I'm the guy who discovered a planet that nobody else could find, which I am now thinking I should have named Julianne Moore instead of GJ 43c.

If you must know, Julianne Moore is much better looking in person than in the movies--and she's a better kisser.

Lie #13 - party hearty

Chad said I was the coolest guy in the frat house and that we should celebrate my astronomical discovery. So we did what they apparently do every Monday night: I brought a case of rum and we got drunk and partied till 4 a.m. This was the first time was I attended a frat party.

All the frat brothers were there, of course. There was Chad, the good-natured, mesomorphic, all-American in a general sort of way. There was the studious nerd. And the somewhat aphasic athlete, who turns out actually does play football (he was the guy who ate the banana I didn't). There was me--the creepy older guy who should have left college years ago. And a whole bunch of other guys, including the good-looking studley athlete (not sure what sport) with a girl on each arm.

I looked around and I noticed that I was the only guy without a girl. I'm all for the two-girls-for-every-boy policy, but only if I'm one of the boys. I really thought that after literally being hazed to join this frat there would be some kind of benefit--at a party held in my honor no less. Even the wimpy nerd guy met a nice girl (with thick glasses etc., but I'd say she was librarian hot).

I asked Chad about this. "How come girls walk in and start making out with guys they don't even know.

"Because colleges are institutions of higher learning," Chad said, lifting a rum and Coke to his lips.

"They're making out with every guy except me," I said. "And some guy have two girls."

"You're the creepy old guy who should have left college years ago. No college girl is going to make out with you."

Lie #12 - small world

I discovered the smallest planet outside the solar system. As you know, the universe is 20,000,000,000 years old and it is about 115,000,000,000 light years across. Our galaxy contains about 200,000,000,000 stars; so, you can imagine how it took me practically all day to find this planet. Here is an artist's rendering of it:

Because of its eccentric shape it has a wobbly orbit, which made it easier than usual to find. The planet, which I have named GJ 436c, orbits a red dwarf in leo about 30 light years from here. Its days are four years long, although the planet is so small that a year there is barely an afternoon here. The planet is populated by Native American dwarves, who spend most of their time moving their clocks forward and backward because of the constant change due to daylight savings time.

To indicate just how small the planet is, in the artist's rendering above a bowling ball has been added on the left to give you a sense of the scale.

Lie #11 - brown haze

Today I got hazed. The guys at Delta Iota Kappa said it was just a formality, because of my street cred. It turned out I wasn't the only pledge. The house had an opening for the rôle of creepy old guy who should have been done with college life years ago.

Anyway, they had me and Arthur each sit at a table in the kitchen coating a banana, skin and all, with peanut butter. They took away Arthur and his banana first. About 15 minutes later they came for me--I noticed Arthur in the hallway with his shirtsleeves all wet. They took me to the bathroom.

"Put your banana in the toilet," Chad said--he's the president of the ΔΙΚ house.

So, I did what he asked.

"Now, take it out and peel it and eat it," he said. About a dozen other frat guys were standing around and laughing.

"No," I said.

"Do you want to join our frat or not?" Chad said.

"I don't care," I said.

"O.K., you're in," said Chad. "You passed the hazing. If you ate that banana, we definitely wouldn't have let you in."

So, I'm a member in good standing of a fraternity!

"What about Arthur?" I said.

"He won't be joining us," said one of the frat brothers.

As I walked down the hall to the TV room they filled me in a bit more.

"Actually whether eating the banana or not is passing the test is determined at random by tossing a coin. This way, if anyone finds out about our hazing tactics, they won't know how to ace the test."

I looked behind me down the hallway and I noticed a large football-player-looking guy getting peanut butter all over his hands as he peeled and ate my banana.

"Don't pay any atttention to him," Chad said. "Can you help us carry these two couches out into the street?"

"You're throwing them away? They look new."

"Don't ask," said Chad.

Lie #10 - damn lies

Today I told a lie. O.K., that's not true; in fact I did not lie at all today. Um, so I guess that part about me telling a lie isn't true. Now look what you made me do! I wouldn't have told any lies at all until you made me lie about lying. This is all your fault. I think we need to put Chelsea Clinton on the spot and demand that she explain all this! If you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen. If somebody runs for president, do they think they're someone special? Who is this so-called "Monica Lewinsky," anyway! We need to give Kenneth Starr another $40,000,000 so he can investigate Whitewater, Kenneth Foster's "suicide," and the blue dress. Since all this inflation, that might now cost $80,000,000--but every penny would be well spent if we can at last find the truth! Bill Clinton needs to be impeached again--otherwise we will never be able to put these questions to rest once and for all! And if impeaching him twice doesn't do it, I say impeach him again!! There hasn't been anywhere near enough impeaching around here lately!

Lie #9 - Delta Iota Kappa

Running around naked in Times Square in the rain just keeps on paying dividends. Today one of my blog readers called me and asked whether I’d like to join his fraternity. He explained that what I did on Monday was the sort of thing they strongly encouraged and that I would make an excellent member--after a suitable hazing, of course.

I explained that I was long out of school and, in fact, was an important businessman in the imported Norwegian canned pickled herring industry (not to mention my experience in building demolition--which I did mention and which led to a confusing conversation in which I had to explain that I did not “build a demolition” (there’s no such thing as that), rather I demolished-- Oh, never mind, in the end neither of us knew what I was talking about).

Anyway, the young man went on to explain that one of their fraternity brothers had died of old age and they were looking for someone to take his place as the creepy guy who was way to old for college and was I interested?

“Was he one of those guys who goes back to get their degree at age 80 because World War II interrupted their studies?” I asked.

“No, nothing like that,” said the young man. “It had to do with the terms of his grandfather’s will.”

Apparently, the guy would get his inheritance in monthly checks “as long as he stayed in college.” The grandfather probably meant that he would get the money if he stuck out college and graduated. It’s too bad the grandfather didn’t hire a lawyer and do better job of drafting the terms of that will. It’s too bad the guy didn’t study law while he was in college for 60 years, because he might have been able the get the darn will interpreted a different way.

“So,” said the young man. “Are you ready to join the men who’ve joined the ΔΙΚs?”

“I sure am!” I said.

Wow! I’ve been asked to join a fraternity!

Lie #8 - pants

I forgot to mention that after the Times Square debacle on Monday, I caught the subway downtown to go back to my office. I've got to say I was pretty much in the dumps besides feeling chilly. I ran into, of all people, Charlie Todd, who took one look at me and told me to put some pants on. Little did I know that at that moment I started a revolution. Charlie told me he was declaring March 31st National For Godsakes Put On Your Pants Day.

Lie #7 - fool

So, I pulled off an April Fool's prank you wouldn't believe today. Here's the setup: I had a bouquet of spring flowers delivered to my secretary first thing in the morning. Then I gave her a card saying that I appreciated all the work she has done for me this year and inside was a gift certificate for a half day at a spa and a dinner for two for her and her husband. You should've seen the look on her face!! Haw! Haw! Haw! She sure wasn't expecting that! I'm still laughing about it.