Lie #45 - somehow that . . .

. . . "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" defense never works as well as one might hope. I would almost say it isn't worth a decanter of warm piss.

Lie #44 - your in town

Vice President John Nance Garner once said that the vice presidency "isn't worth a pitcher of warm piss." Others believe he said "isn't worth a bucket of warm piss." Still others have quoted him as saying "a warm bucket of piss."

Not to digress, but I like to think that this Oscar Wilde of warm piss partial quotations used "bucket." This is because if you're like me you hate to think what would happen if you--or any cabinet member--walked into the cabinet room at the White House and saw an inviting pitcher on the table, you would not hesitate to pour yourself a nice glass of lemonade. This wouldn't happen if you saw, say, a galvanized steel bucket sitting on that well-polished mahogany table--you would assume that that was a bucket of warm piss.

Now to my point. John Nance Garner said this during The Great Depression, a time when the price of warm piss had fallen to all-time lows, not even a penny a pitcher--in fact the pitcher was worth more. But do you know what you would have today if you started with $5,000 worth of warm piss and let it compound for 200 years?

Need a shot of Southern Comfort while you think about it?

Five thousand dollars isn't a lot of money today, but stop and perform the caluclation: How does $20 million sound! You can buy a lot of pitchers of warm piss with that kind of money.

Why not start today?

The idea of compound interest is simplicity itself.

Lie #43 - Stoner is the state

Perhaps you saw the news story in Georgia that began thusly:

ATLANTA -- Georgia retailers soon will be banned from selling candy flavored to taste like marijuana to children.
Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue signed a measure into law Wednesday that bans the sale of "marijuana flavored products" to minors -- anyone under 18 -- and calls for a fine of up to $500 for each offense.
The measure takes effect July 1st.
It targets businesses that sell the candies with drug-inspired names such as "Kronic Kandy" and "Pot Suckers."
The law says the candies promote drug use.
Senator Doug Stoner pushed the bill in the senate. "I don't think that folks are aware--

Now hold on a minute. Senator Stoner? So, I called him up.

"You've really come up in the world since we last spoke," told him.

"Ah, well," he said humbly.

Wearing my cool t-shirt, I went over to his house and we put on the CD of "Where There's Smoke There's Cheech and Chong."

There certainly is.

Lie #36 - Alice Dee

LSD is dangerous! Do you hear me! This guy took it, and he DIED! Need I say more?

Lie #34 - for godssakes, people . . .

. . . don't miss out on your chance to get this t-shirt!

Lie #30 - i'll be the judge of that

Jack Cafferty couldn't possibly have insulted 1,300,000,000 Chinese people. Yes, he told the truth and, apparently, the lawsuit is not disputing his statement that the United States imported Chinese-made "junk with the lead paint on them and the poisoned pet food." Cafferty went on to opine that "They're basically the same bunch of goons and thugs they've been for the last 50 years."

Anyway, how could 1,300,000,000 Chinese people claim to be insulted when none of them have seen Jack Cafferty or, for that matter, any independent press?

Lie #19 - Mr. Popular

I have now succeeded in installing a statistical counter on this blog. I sort of wish I didn’t. Here’s what I have found out. First of all, my theory that only six people read this blog is correct. Unfortunately, my theory that those six people are my friends is wrong. I don’t know where my so-called friends are these days. Most (i.e. five) of my readers are outside the United States.

Far and away, the most popular page (drum roll here, please, John Densmore) is this one. C’mon, people. What is wrong with you?! Then again, I speak as someone who visited Jim Morrison’s grave twice last year, once in springtime and once in fall. O.K., if I could have, I would have visited four times--there are four seasons, after all, and why wouldn’t people visit Paris four times a year? Well, lack of money, for one thing. Please send me money via PayPal and I will visit Paris on your behalf. If you make this possible for me, I will be able to describe the great food they have, that wonderful Off Off Off Off Broadway theatre they have, the museums, I will visit Jim Morrison’s grave and give him your regards, and if worse comes to worse, I will sit a cafés all over the city, restricting myself parsimoniously to a pain au chocolat and café crème while I brush up my French, and hang out with glamorous people.

Of course there has been a lot on my mind lately. Finally there’s an easy way to follow the DASH diet, it’s called the cookie diet. That cookie diet sounded so great, but have you tried those cookies? They’re made of bran and sardines. You can imagine how scrumptious it was sneaking pinches of that cookie dough into my mouth and licking my fingers, but once those cookies are baked, they’re not that great.

I don’t know about you, but I have been following the CMT Awards and the CMA Awards. I have just tried the new Child Perfume. It’s great, not at all like the unchanged diaper scent I expected. Herschel Walker has been helping me with my tax extension form. And Rob Lowe’s nanny has been helping me find the IRS address. On a sad note, Hazel Court has passed away--but not before bringing a Form 4868 to me and Herschel Walker as we sat with our pain au chocolat and café crème at a sidewalk table at a café on the Upper East Side puzzling over that darn tax extension form. But I will say this, man is Herschel Walker smart. Smarter than me, certainly. I just feel bad that Hazel Court looked perfectly healthy this morning. Herschel and I were shocked when we heard the news. Anyway, thanks to her, I got my IRS extension done. Now, if only I could find that Internal Revenue Service address. I went on the Web and all I’ve found so far is Nutella’s address.